A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"
*******
Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..."
The guy said,"But I am not ready!"
Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..."
So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"
Death said, "All right..."
The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."
The guy said,"But I am not ready!"
Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..."
So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"
Death said, "All right..."
The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."
*******
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
*******
A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon.
Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125.
So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.
"It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.
"You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."
Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125.
So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.
"It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.
"You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."
*******
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
*******
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
*******
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