Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Santa-Banta Comedy Jokes


Jeeto: If I were to die unexpectedly, what would you be left with?
Santa: Probably 30-40 years of peaceful and blissful life!

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"Why didn't you deliver that message as instructed?" Santa asked his servant.
Servant: I did the best I could, sir!

Santa: The best you could! If I had known I was going to send a donkey, I would have gone myself!

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Banta went into a barber shop and said, "I 
want my hair cut so that it's all different lengths round the front and back, there's a strange spiky bit on top and bald patches here, here and here".
"I don't think I can do that", said the barber.

Banta: Why not? You did last time I was here!

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Santa went to his bank manager and said, "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
'Simple', said the bank manager. "Buy a big one and wait."

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Banta: Talking about Africa makes me think of the time...
Bored Santa: Good gracious, you're quite right. I had no idea it was so late. Goodbye!

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Santa: A friend of mine had an arguement with his wife so they decided to flip a coin to choose a name for their new son.

Banta: So what exactly did they name him?

Santa: Tails!

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Banta: Why is it that almost all serial killers are men.
Santa: That's simply because women like to kill only one man slowly and steadily!

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Banta: Did you feel the vibrations of the earthquake?
Santa: Married men neither feel and nor are affected by vibrations or earthquakes!

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Jeeto in a pretty upset tone, "Why do you go out on the balcony whenever I sing? Don't you like to hear me?"
"It's not that', said Santa. "I just want the neighbours to see that I'm not beating my wife.

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Celebrating their silver wedding anniversary, Jeeto turned to Santa and said, "Will you still love me when my hair has gone grey?"
Santa: Why not? Haven't I loved you through six other shades?

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Santa: I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning.
Banta: You seem to have had a narrow escape.

Santa: Yeah! I luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.

Banta: Which road was it?

Santa: Phew! Road? I was jogging in the park.

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Banta: What's Marriage?
Santa: Marriage is the 7th sense of humans that destroys all the six senses and makes the person Non-sense.

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Titanic was sinking. 
An englishman asked Santa,"How far is land"? 
Santa: 2 KMs. 
Englishman jumped into sea. 
Englishman: Now, which direction? 
Santa: Downwards!

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Santa: I have swallowed a kay. 
Doctor: When? 
Santa: 3 months back! 
Doctor: What were you doing till now? 
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too. 

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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. 
Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days. 
Lady calls again,
Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Santa:Give me one room with double-bed.
Hotel Manager: But Sir, you seem to be alone.
Santa: Yes. But I am married and I wish to enjoy silence from the other side of the bed!

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Santa is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door,
he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Santa: All right. Then how about on the last date?

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In Santa's office, there was a very nasty smell on a very hot day.
One of Santa's co-worker couldn't take and remarked,
"Obviously someone's deodorant isn't working."
Santa in the corner shouted back,
"Well, it can't be me because I'm not wearing any."

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A kid bought stuff worth Rs 45 from Santa's shop and gave him a 5 rupee note and put '0' (zero)
behind 5 and gave it to Santa.
On top of it, he asked for the balance Rs 5.
Having been outsmarted, Santa took out a 50 rupee note and crossed '0' (zero)
with a pen and gave it to the kid and said, "Now we are even"!

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Santa: Candle light bubble baths are so relaxing.
Banta: Really?
Santa: Yep!
Banta: But when and where do you take it?
Santa: I don't take it. Every time my wife takes one, I get about an hour of peace and quiet.

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Santa took his wounded wife, Jeeto to a doctor.
Doctor: Can you describe as to what really happened?
Santa: Well, she got shot.
Doctor: You'll have to be more accurate.
Santa: I know, But I'm not very experienced with guns.

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Santa walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the finest single malt scotch.
The bartender sets him up and Santa takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.
He then takes the last shot and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And Santa replies,
"Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

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Santa: I've just moved into my new flat and directly below me is a police station.
Banta: So how do you handle coming home late at night after drinking so much?
Santa: You don't understand. The police station being below, I'm above the law.

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Santa: A cop came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs".
Banta: So what transpired?
Santa: I confronted him by saying. "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs".

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Santa: I committed a big mistake by marrying my 'Secretary'.
Banta: Marriage anyone is a big mistake, why pin-point just the poor 'Secretary'.



Santa: No it's not that. I thought that she'll still continue to obey my orders!

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Monday, April 1, 2013

Sholey Funny SMS



Amitabh  : Mausi   ladka “Infosys ” mein kaam karta hai…

Mausi      : Hai raam…

Amitabh  : Aajkal allocated bhi hai…
Mausi     : To kya kabhi unallocated ( i.e. bench pe) bhi rahta hai????
Amitabh : Ab C rating waalon ka allocation itni asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi …
Mausi     : To kya C rating bhi aati hai uski????
Amitabh : Project manager se ladaai karne ke baad A ya uske upar ki rating to nahin na milti hai mausi…

Mausi     : To kya ladaaku bhi hai????
Amitabh : Ab onsite jaane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi-kabhi anban …

Mausi     : To kya onsite bhi nahin gayaa aaj tak????
Amitabh  : Ab civil engineers ka Visa itni jaldi kahaan lagta hai mausi…

Mausi      : To kya ladka  civil engineer hai???? Engineering kaun se college se kiya hai????
Amitabh  : Bas uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!!!!

Amitabh   : To kya main rishta pakka samjhun mausi ??

Mausi     : Bhale hi hamaari Basanti call center waale se shaadi kar le, par INFY waale se kabhi nahin karegi…….
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Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and started shouting: “Abe O thakur! Kahan hai woh loot-maar software? 

Last date to kab ka nikal gaya “.

Thakur [with anger]: “Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne 

paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai.”

Kaalia: “Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?”

Thakur: “Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai.”

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru  working on a PC on one Water tank and Jai on another, using a 

laptop.

Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: “Ha ha… Thakur ne freshers ko liya hai, Ye log Programming 

karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate.”

Veeru shouts: “Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch bhi kar sakte hain.”

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Jai hits his keyboard,then says: “jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya .”

AT GABBAR’S DEN…

Gabbar: “Kitne bugs the?”

Kaalia: “Do sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key aaye ho? Gabbar 

bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega …aur increment bhi? Iski saza milegi… barobar 

milegi.”

[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]. “Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?”

Sambaa: “Chhey sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.” [logout - logout - 

logout]. “Haan ab theek hai…ab tera kya hoga” Kaalia?”

Kaalia: “Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha.”

Gabbar: “To ab documentation kar!!!

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